t-minus oh my god we're all gonna die

so it's been a while, hasn't it? too long, i know, i know. it's my own fault. after i got everyone's interest boiling over just above indifference, i shirk my duties and all but vanish from the cybernetic secularist society. blame it on depression.

man, what a terrible week for planning a thousand mile bike tour it was! with the conviction that i had found a solution to my custom frame debacle in barbara, i rode cheery-eyed, and hopeful to a favorite used bike, repair shop to discuss options for downsizing my drive-train. steep climbs over the course of 80 mile days is imminent, so finding some low-gearing options is imperative. one of the simplest options i considered was installing a larger cogset coupled with smaller chainrings up front. this quick remedy for handling the hilly terrain was, in fact, the way jon went. i was glad we found him such a convenient solution. he was considering buying a new bike, but i was insistent that his current bike would do and that he could save his money for cheap hookers along the 101 truck stops. however, barbara, is an old french maid, which means she is timelessly sexy, but haughty, stubborn, and has weird sizing so that nothing except parts that were specifically made for her fit.

what this meant, was that downsizing my gear ratios was not as simple as installing smaller chainrings. one of the guys at re-cycles, suggested just replacing the entire crank, but since the crank is specific to the bottom bracket spindle then we'd have to replace the bottom bracket too. as long as we were talking used parts, this was all in theory reasonable and feasible.

and this is where the fun began. everything else was just paddling out. the drive-side crank wouldn't come off. i used the appropriate weird-sized crank puller and managed to strip the threads. evidently this was a notorious design flaw of those old suntour, aluminum cranks, i was happy to learn. fortunately, someone made a specific, horrific tool just in case such a thing happens. essentially, it is a big, wedge-shaped, two-pronged fork that you ensconce between the crank and bottom bracket shell that pries the crank away from the shell by hammering it. after cringing, and wincing from watching the mechanic hammer away at my avatar - meaning i could feel her pain, just as keenly as she could feel my own suffering, in case you're not into fantasy novels - for several unbearable minutes, i suggested maybe considering our alternatives. the mechanic paused and contemplated for a second, then replied, "yeah, i know..., we need a bigger a hammer."

he brought out his miniature sledge. i couldn't watch this time. i've never beat anything as hard as this man was pummeling my barbara. the crank, after enduring violent brutality, was resilient, impassive, yet battered. it didn't budge. the whole time i was offering possible, luke-warm routes. he finally decided on another course of action - which in all honesty, seemed like a creative variant of one of my ideas. with a combination of some tricky engineering and the death wedge, we got the cranks off. i'm not sure if i can ever use the cranks again. we had gone so far, and it was pointless to consider retreat.

that was friday. i left it there because there was one last stubborn bottom bracket cup left to be removed. he said he's soak it in some loosening agent over-night and remove it the next day. i was busy saturday as i had already made plans with the girlfriend, and i had little faith that he would be successful anyway. he was kind enough to send me home on a loaner bike.

they're open again tuesday. i'll keep you posted. it's a week before we set off, and i have no bike.